John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
you made cement angels. it was a great sight.
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
Randomize
