i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
ARE YOU THINKING VAGINA THEMED RESTAURANT
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
Randomize
