if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
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