No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
I thought I came here to hook up, not for a Study Abroad 101 session
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
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