I haven't been this sober since birth.
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
Blame the bisexuality and move on?
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
Randomize
