captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
I could study for finals and ace all my tests but wheres the fun in that? id rather black out and hope for the best
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
Randomize
