let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
I totally OverDed on K2 last night. I felt like I was made of lead and then I had a panic attack.
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
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