I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
her name is jenna, so i wanna cunt punt her
that's how i am about ashleys and britneys
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
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