my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
pop tarts are not kleenex
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
Well, I dont really know how much penis you have at your disposal so I cant be sure
Randomize
