You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
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