I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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