Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
The duggars are the reason premarital sex is ok. Because if you don't have it until marriage you have no self control when it happens. And 19 kids.
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
you seemed to enjoy falling down hill
wow, never heard the last few months of my life put so succint
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
Randomize
