She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
Lol it's kinda hilarious. I left missing one glass... guage. I feel like Cinderella... but less classy.
Randomize
