Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
Its ok. I handled the situation with grace and class. lol jk i got shitfaced and fucked his roomate.
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
Randomize
