He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
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