What would you say if someone told you they liked your lips?
Which ones?
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
She has 2500 facebook friends. I probably should have used a condom.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
Randomize
