I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
i think he just uses that whole "grew up in a castle" thing to get pussy
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
It was a karaoke bar combined with a liquor store and had a donkey pen in the back.
Keeping it classy as usual I see
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
