if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
Dignity is for republicans.
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
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