its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
her mom went out of her way to book us a room with separate beds... her level of gay denial is in beast mode
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
I just had sex on a roof
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
Randomize
