How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
A Bum and I jusst hugged. its not even 8 pm.
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
Randomize
