When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
I believe the question is can one ever have too many vibrators?
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
Everclear isn't food dammit
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
I touched a dick in church today
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
Randomize
