I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
Confirmed. Vegetarians give terrible head.
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
You told me "I need to pound this drinks if I'm going to pretend his dick is big enough" then left. Dollar night quotes 2012
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
Randomize
