He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
You're like the curious george of whores
so does the 200 for rent and 150 for utilities include the never telling my boyfriend about the guys i bring home.. or is that extra?
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
I figure even if it starts out as just sex I can bang him into loving me
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
Randomize
