when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
the mandatory saturday morning class for those written up by RA's turned into a gold mine...just met EVERY hot chick that parties.
woke up with withdrawal cold sweats this morning. spring break must really be over.
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
This was like angel cum on the bread of life filled with the nectar of the gods
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
