do you remember what downloading porn with a 14k modem was like?
it's like there's an entire ecosystem in your vagina.
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
he referred to my room as the tit cave...
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Randomize
