So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
Randomize
