I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
Megan Fox is the only woman I would let pee on me.
I'm similar. She's the only woman I'd ask to pee on me.
Ok yeah you're right. I'd ASK Megan Fox to pee on me. I'd ALLOW Erin Andrews to pee on me if she asked.
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
I had this image of some guy in a taco truck down by the IMA accosting you for a peep show.
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Randomize
