you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
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