I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
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