It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
i wish my penis had a tongue
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
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