I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
found a naked boy completely buried under a pile of her clothes and terrified...she says she was "saving him for later"
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
well considering we left the bathroom with the mirror off the wall, a bloody nose, and clothes all messed up they assume im just a coke whore now..
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
Randomize