im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
I'm just hitting the tip of the iceberg on accents for this trip...so basically my panties are done for.
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
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