The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
just printed 333 ways to get kicked out of wal-mart. hello thursday night.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
Drunk is not a location!
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
Randomize
