So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
Randomize
