Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
Randomize
