I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
She kept saying "I'm going to hell" the entire time we were fucking. I really wasn't sure what to do... so I agreed with her.
That was definitely the right answer.
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
You should frame my arrest warrant.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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