Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
it's not the walk of shame if you do it in cowboy boots.
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
I don't even know man. I was to busy having beer showered on me and grabbing some balls
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
Randomize
