I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
your suggestions for charades were, getting sucked into an aircraft turbine, getting raped by a dolphin, and having sex with a vacuum cleaner. you got your own, and actually used a vacuum cleaner as a prop.
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
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