I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
Soooo you're telling me you support us groom's men giving lap dances to willing patrons?
Randomize
