i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
Randomize
