Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
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