She is in my trunk
If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
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