Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
Is it weird that we showed each other our pussy's and pointed out the good and bad things about each others??
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
Randomize