Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
I told him I was prego. He asked coul we do it without a condom now since I cldn't get any pregnanter. What an a-hole.
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
Randomize
