Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
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