i kno its fucked up..but id rather sleep it off than seek medical attention right now
you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
So did you grab that log full of poison ivy for the fire and then apparently take a piss on Saturday night too or was that just me?
will we ever learn or are we destined for a life of poison ivy covered balls?
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
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