I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
Walk of Shame today included voting.
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
I have a dinner date combo blowjob event with Tristan tonight.
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