; Think of how many worthless people would b non existant if there was no liquor so their parents never hooked up
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
There's a bull to ride and dancing on the bar is encouraged. This is my heaven. And this is why god made leopard tube tops.
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
Randomize
