remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
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