how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
I yelled at your uterus for you.
Randomize
