I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
then she lifted her dress, tweaked her own nipples, and then ordered another round for everyone. this place is wild at 9pm.
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
Randomize
