I think this dress is screaming I want a birthday 3some with two moderately attractive guys. I hope.
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
Randomize
