You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
Randomize
