oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
Randomize
