While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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