apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
who's job is it to make sure we don't run out of tp since the incident of 09'... Thats right you go get some
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
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