can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
Randomize
